Because nothing says punk like Nocellara olives.
Needless to say, I was quietly sceptical the first time I encountered Pizza Punks. It’s a Glasgow-founded chain now covering six UK sites, with more planned.
It states ‘we don’t do rules — we do revolution’. Well, we all wanna change the world, but is putting slightly non-conventional toppings on a pizza while you seek investment for more branches really a revolution these days? They also infamously claimed at some point that they’re about ‘sticking the finger up to the corporate chains run by money men’. It is still privately owned… for now.
So far, so Brewdog. And — going against the grain here — I actually like a lot of what Brewdog does. But even the die-hards would admit that it just hasn’t been very punk for about fifteen years.
Pizza Punks has been a resident on Newcastle’s Grey Street since around 2018 and when I went then, I really was not impressed. For the purposes of this post, I’m going to disregard that visit because this week was thankfully much better.
The pizza, ehhh, well I ate all of it. The dough is fine, cooked quite consistently. Sourdough-style with a lot of semolina, it is minimum 72 hours fermented and it’s surprisingly light. Easily the biggest upgrade since my first visit when the dough quality was really, really poor.
Tomatoes are San Marzano, though you won’t be able to taste them on anything outside of a marinara. I guess you have to be on board with the concept. I’m probably no longer/never was the target market. Which is perhaps teenage kids with their parents looking for somewhere kewl to go. Would a teenage kid think this was fire? Maybe — the restaurant was full of families when we visited.
It’s ‘fun’ because the kids can pick their own toppings. It’s the primary USP outside of the anarchy, barely represented by a circle-A mural on the wall. Unlimited toppings for the same price. I understand the appeal. Alas, it’s not for me. They’ve shifted slightly away from this to be fair, and now offer about twenty of so predefined pizzas. But if you wanted a BBQ sauce base, with peppers, chocolate pulled pork, caramelised pineapple, mac and cheese, and Irn Bru sauce, you can do that here.
Pythagoras said that “choices are the hinges of destiny” and in this instance, I’m a fan of restraint. Just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should.
One of Pizza Punks ‘plain’ pizzas, a double pepperoni and burrata was pretty much as you’d expect. All pepperonis these days are overly sweetened with hot honey. Please let me decide. I’m a fan of the candied jalapeños though, which are piquant and pleasing. A scant amount of fridge-cold burrata didn’t, however, add anything other than cost. All in all: enjoyable like any meaty pizza is going to be, and the crust does a lot of heavy lifting. (£14.50)
Then from the ‘punk’ section, which contains an English breakfast pizza, a birria pie with pico de gallo and gravy, and a pulled pork pizza with guacamole, we got the smashburger. I could almost see how this could work, but it’s a tough ask. With San Marzano toms, mozzarella, cheddar, smashed meatballs, smoked bacon, burger relish, caramelised onion, American cheese, burger sauce, and — most egregiously of all — warm pickles, this was just a mess.
It ends up feeling like way less than the sum of its many parts, neither good burger nor good pizza. And none of the best characteristics of either. If this is what most people come here for, then…OK. 🤷🏻♂️
In non-pizza items, the menu is very short. They tried pasta ages ago: universally panned. We got some ‘nduja mac and cheese which was generous on the proper spicy pork, and not too shabby at all. It was though, £8. More monstrous than that — nice to see homemade sodas supplementing generic cola (yawn) and my ‘cherry pop’ wasn’t too sweet but somehow the same cost as a pint of Pravha (£6.50). Steep, however you look at it.
Pizza Punks obviously isn’t a place for pizza purists, or anyone looking to learn something new about dough, or subtlety. It succeeds at being a family restaurant that kids will like. It’s ‘fun’. And restaurants can be fun. Though I’d argue being good is more important, we could all use a little fun. Like true punks, it’s fairly harmless isn’t it. Would I return — no — but if there was a work do here, or I stumbled on a voucher for Pizza Punks, I’d at least go and eat a pie, and as they say ‘there is no such thing as bad pizza’.
For those looking for pizza that ‘plays by the (very serious) rules’, check out Rudy’s across the road for an easy upgrade. Pizza Punks is more Sum 41 than the Sex Pistols, but plenty of people still like Sum 41, don’t they?
Contact: pizzapunks.co.uk
Address: 34-40 Grey St, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE1 6AE
Cost: Pizzas £8.50–£14.95
